NEW!

Poor St. Nicholas,
Jammed halfway up my chminey!
Too many cookies.

Telemarketer,
Sign me up! Here's some info
I just created.

Only coat hangers
Are harder to untangle
Than ornament hooks

Chain law in effect.
First blizzard of the season.
Must Goth up the tires!

Sex and violence!
Network sweeps have just begun.
Gag me with shovel.

Blank Caller ID.
And call-center background noise.
Prepare to be "punk'd!"

RFID tags.
I battle the tiny spies!
Magnetic long-johns!

Corn syrup. Lead paint.
Impossible to avoid.
World domination.

Weasel Nacchio:
Wisely reconsider jail.
There, you're safe from us.

Lovely Trebuchet,
Fling thy payload heavenward.
Melons make best sound.

New! Shrinking products!
Same great price but smaller size!
Gouging in disguise.

Seen "Missed Connections,"
Craigslist's roulette wheel of love?
Best odds? Slim-to-none.

I love counting cards.
Algorithm perfected.
Give me your money.

Wow! Windows Vista!
Now I can crash my machine
Even prettier.

Pogo stick, golf cleats,
Gorilla glue and duct tape.
Let us now aerate!

I love Air Castles!
But they sure do not like me.
Must be the high heels.

iPod brand zealot:
Zune's screen is so much larger!
Mac loses again.

Big fat paper jam.
Printer is constipated.
Fetch the olive oil.

Light rail smells funny.
Humanity sardine can.
BO smorgasbord.

Political ads.
Gag me with a front-loader.
30-second lies.

State of art cell phone,
Almost as thin as paper.
Doesn't crease well though.

Five hours of shredding.
Non-stop Ollies and lip tricks.
Hear my bones cracking?

Printer was dirt cheap,
But the wolf wore sheep's clothing.
Ink cartridge hostage.

This toner feels cool.
Jet-black, slippery powder.
Uh-oh. Won't wash off!

Fat jelly doughnut!
Soft, deep-fried precursor to
Angioplasty.

Once, the web was grey.
No formatting to speak of.
Such peace and quiet.

iPod changed my life.
Earbuds made me look so cool!
Now I am stone deaf.

Boss is so funny.
Wants me here on Saturday!
Won't be happening.

This keyboard is hosed.
The f and g do not work.
Where is my hammer?

My packets are lost!
Can you hear me now? Hell no.
This VOIP stuff is poop.

Diet Coke. Mentos.
Supermarket alchemy.
Foamy explosions!

Mmmm. Juicy bacon!
Makes everything taste better!
Thank goodness for stents.

Fire! Fire! Melting lips!
My Habaneros kick butt.
I love gene splicing.

Piece of crap printer
Soars like a sparrow as I
Heave it off the bridge.

Twenty billion gigs
Of brand new SCSI hard drive
Still won't be enough.

Chattering deejay,
Spittle dribbles down your chin.
You love your own voice.

Velvet black, like coal,
Supper incinerated.
I could burn water.

Senate seat for sale!
I need money - lots of it!
Because I'm so dumb.

Daylight savings time!
Dark is now light; light is dark.
That is so messed up.

Carrier of germs,
Bacteria, viruses!
Oh filthy touch screen.

Laptop is on fire!
2K marshmallow toaster!
Chinese batteries.

My groovy Roomba:
Awesome disc for Frisbee golf,
And it cleans the floor!

Open source turf war.
Torvalds versus Kolivas.
Wasted clock cycles.

Mmmm. Smooooooth aroma!
Buttery diacetyl!
New lung disorder!

iPod listener:
Are you moved to sing "out loud?"
Then please move "outside."

If I see one more
News report about Paris,
I may self-combust.

You walk, hypnotized
By your new iPhone's beauty.
Then the bus hits you.

Heatwave has returned.
Good excuse to drink more gin!
(ampits are leaking)

Hmm. I'm just not sure.
Which country lies to the north?
Didn't pass fifth grade.

Yes, we can hear you.
Every single boring word.
Kindly shove cell phone.

New PC won't boot,
Needs loving affirmation.
Pass the 9 iron.

Dread, fear and loathing.
Prepare ye for tide of doom.
School's out in two weeks.

Fly Stephen Hawking!
Escape the bonds that hold you.
Soar, as does your mind.

Potty-mouth Imus:
Talk about a nappy head;
Look in the mirror.

My Beetle just rocks.
Watch me push those RPMs!
Oops. I threw a rod.

No global warming?
How can you say that, you dunce?
Soon, you'll float away.

Instant messenger,
Whack-A-Mole on my desktop:
Put a sock in it.

Caffeine-laced donuts!
Gooey, air-puffed breakfast buzz.
Yes, there is a God.

Dear weather lady,
Blizzard-conjuring priestess:
Stop the freaking snow.

Fruit Salad Island.
Cap'N Crunch and Heineken.
Saturday Mornings!

You were so geeky.
He was the football hero.
Now he works for you.

Hot new hammer drill.
Solid granite turns to dust!
Sinus infection.

Oh strobing banner,
Seizure-inducing cheese ball,
Dream on. Me no click.

My 486.
Bleeding-edge, back in the day.
Now it's a doorstop.

Polygon army
Overwhelms my GPU,
Brings it to its knees.

I drank nine lattes.
I could bench press a tractor.
I must tinkle. Now.

Please hand me that wire.
Thanks! You have solved the puzzle!
The other wire's live.

So you wear a tie.
Stop whining you big sissy.
You want pain? Try hose.

Cursor skips and hops!
Is my workstation sickly?
Nope. Just some toast crumbs.

Sale! Hurry! Ends Soon!
Next month, your "deal" will return.
Alas, I will not.

This file just won't rip.
The pre-press prophet warned me:
"Too many blends dude."

Ack! Blue screen of death.
My spreadsheet vanishes, poof.
Time for some straight gin.

Powerful boss man,
We joke about your toupee
When you leave the room.

Oh anchor bimbo,
The gleam from your whitened teeth
Gives me a migraine